她太丑陋，太可怕了。
她根本不是女人，而是一部披着女人皮的机器。
把外层去掉，就只剩冷冷的理智与自私。
我要做小女人。
一个站在男人身旁，后面一点，美美香香嫩嫩白白的女人。
因为只有这样角色分明的关系才可以持久。
but i must have my own career!
可惜的是，要找个大男人比海底捞针还难。
不明白，有大男人不做，为什么要选择做畏畏缩缩的小男人？
是否男人也怕没有女人要？所以只好出卖自己的自尊？
还是男人本来就没自尊？他其实也很想无才便是德，要人照顾？
可能问题就出在男人与女人都无法把对方看成人。
一大堆的social construct把人与人之间的关系搞得乱七八糟。
一个人可以做的，只要尽了力，就是一种绝对。
我也不晓得。
如果我有答案，我就不再是Alien，而是神。
过了十二点便是我的朋友的生日。
他喝了很多酒。
醉了就拉着女朋友不放，说了很多话。
最让我忘不了的就是那句：“我很爱你，请你不要离开我。”
一个大男生，虽然喝醉了，但还有几分清醒。
在这么多人面前，做了这样的宣言。
其实，冷静地想一想，是挺可笑的。
好像人都自找麻烦。
同一桌的另一个男生，怀里抱着的不是他的太太。
我想他大概也曾经对他的太太说过：“我很爱你”吧？
那这样又如何呢？
照片里的我都好像很开心。笑笑的。
其实，辛苦的时候，又有谁知道。
这样的一张脸， 竟然可以写出这么多不开心的过去与感想。
这就是现实与超现实的脱节。
I was thinking of this while taking my weekly super long bath.
How do you know your partner is marrying you because
(A) she only wants to be with you or
(B) that you are the only person whom she can find (who meet the crucial little boxes in her reduced checklist) at that point when she wants to get hitched?
Intuitively, (B) sounds contradicting to the principle of true love. (B) sounds too pragmatic. (B) sounds like a default. (B) suggests that she may leave you when someone better comes along in the future. [Of course, some will argue that the legitimisation of unions, i.e. marriages, and perhaps social codes help to deter (B) from actualising.]
No matter how terrible (B) sounds, the crucial question is whether you will ever know whether it is truly (A) or (B)? How do you tell? Because she tells you so and you believe her? Then perhaps it's purely about trust? How about unwillingness to part with the familiar? Don't you hate having to be thrown off your rituals and having to establish new rituals? Or perhaps, you prefer not to know?
Anyway, perhaps the most comforting answer I can find lies in 2 people who are lucid and sick of this ludicrous world. They then decide to stick to each other henceforth till they gasp their last breaths.
Now, that's a sustainable arrangement, because the only constant is that the world will continue to be sickening for everybody. In every little detail.
You can plan the perfect wedding party, but you can never plan for the perfect life.
and i think back about myself NOW.
like what i told BakchormeeGuy.
We function best at this level.
AND...
他say我不是小女人。
差得远了。
我问他是否是因为我喝酒，骂粗话，大声讲话，有时还会尊在地上休息？
那我是否是男人？
看上去，我的样子又不像男人啊？！
他说我是现代的女人，A Woman with An Opinion。
我很激动。
我说过了，我不是，也不要做现代的女人！
我是小女人！
小女人的定义，并非与抽烟，喝酒，骂粗话，大声讲话，
或尊在地上休息有关。
而是
（一）讲心讲思维，
（二）为他人的付出，与
（三）这两者之间的摸索与结论。
他只说对了一点。
他说只有凭我各人的定义，我才算是小女人。
真的，若要凭现代人的定义，我真的不是小女人。
相比之下，我那小女人的定义也未免太老土了。
我是 Alien。
与现实脱节的怪物。
一只倔强的Alien。
只要与多数人不一样，就不正常。
若不正常，别人就很难了解，会畏惧，会嫌弃。
所以我任命。
I accept my lonely destiny.
为什么要那么烦恼？为什么要哭？
奋不顾身，好像不是美德，而是缺点。
他也不觉得这样的努力有什么特别。
他也不会怜惜我。
人，好像总是认为自己是对的。
别人总是错的。
根本没有商量的余地。
我是否应该自私一点？
不要那么容易为别人付出？
反正付出，也没结果。
不付出，会不会好过一点？
可是不付出的我，还是我吗？
自私的我，会不会可怕？
自私的我，会不会丑陋？
以后该付出的时候，还晓得什么是付出吗？
人，是否就因为受过伤，就永远忘了付出的美?
Somehow. I MISS FRENDY.
frendy: there is always something to look forward to
frendy: but never anything that you cannot live without
wen: that is very true, until you find true love.
frendy: you can quote SY on that
frendy: you still believe in TL after all your bastard bfs ?
wen: of course.
frendy: do i believe in true love?
wen: do you?
frendy: i used to..... i'm not sure anymore
wen: hah?
frendy: huh?
wen: do you want true love?
frendy: *shrugs*
frendy: probably yes
frendy: but now i dont really care anymore
wen: if you want, you have to believe, if not, you'll never find it.
frendy: no.... thats the catch about it. you will never find true love if you actively seek it. it can only come to you when you least expect it
wen: well, we can go about it in our own preferred manner and see how.
frendy: yeah.... go on then....
frendy: lets have a competition
frendy: you look
frendy: i'll wait
frendy: and the winner buys the loser a drink
wen: ok. sounds like a cool arrangement.
frendy: cool.... its set then
wen: yes. there is a catch too.
frendy: i look forward to my drink
wen: you'll only know whether it's true love at your deathbed.
frendy: lol, yes but its ok
wen: i could do with a drink then, i guess.
frendy: lets just hope you and i dont die of a stroke
wen: oh yes.sudden deaths are quite irritating.
well. suddenly I recalled HIS NAME and HIS ACTIONS recently
when i heard from friend/friends.
He's not alone. Many people will find such exposure unsettling. But I think the problem is with mishandling of perceptions. Seriously, whose life is without problems? Honestly, who is more often than not, happy and full of love? Why do people celebrate happiness and hide their misery?
If problems can be treated as another event in life, it will not seem as terrible. If not, apart from having to deal with the problem itself, one has to deal the unnecessary pressure of ensuring that nobody knows, just in case one gets mocked by others. An obvious example would be how people used to hide the fact that they were ill. It seemed that falling terminally ill was a disgrace. Hence, apart from having to deal with their ailing bodies and impending death, these wretched souls had to pretend to be fine to prevent mockery.
This is all very simple and obvious to me, but few seem to agree in principle and in action.
now the LIFE is
CLUBBING
With unfamiliar people = no fun
The preparation process, i.e. makeup & dressing up, is more exciting than the actual time spent in the club.
Only gay people and new clubbers dance.
Guys who chat you up in a club usually make bastard boyfriends. Eh.... let me see. ya. correct. But not all bastard bfs are found in clubs.
The shortest way out of Zouk's members area is the emergency exit beside the bar.
If you faint in Zouk, people will make space.
If you shove a molester and scream,"Nabei CheeBye!" in Zouk, people will make space and the bouncers will appear in 2 seconds.
The Ah Lian look is more popular than the Sweet Girl Look. Trust me!! Tried and tested.
DRINKING
Wine is meant to be sipped, not downed.
Red wine, no matter how expensive, gives a bad hangover.
In decreasing order of preference:
Beer, white wine, champagne and all the other shite.
Blacking out after drinking is dangerous, unless you have friends around.
White wine and antibiotics give you bizarre dreams.
Alcohol fucks up the sleep cycle.
Alcohol is addictive.
Beer makes you pee alot more than you consume. Good for relieving pre-menstrual bloating.
When you start feeling the buzz, all alcohol tastes the same.
Puke dries up within 2 hours in air-conditioned room and ants will leave it alone.
a random convo with him
when I meet him again for BAKCHORMEE.
He said that I was an impatient person.
I think saying that somebody is impatient is in fact a value-ladened accusation. I think everybody has a rhythm, a pace at which one goes about his life. Some are faster and some are slower. The faster will think the slower is apathetic and lazy, while the slower will think that the faster is impatient.
For him to introduce another person into his life, 2 problems are presented.
(1) He doesn't realise or doesn't want to realise that this other person is not joining his life, but they are to define a life together, and
(2) He cannot or doesn't want to catch up with this person's rhythm and insists on his slow pace. I am not sure whether the problem lies in his inability or his resistance. In both cases, blaming the turn of events on 'impatience' sounds like a convenient excuse which he has found in a 'flaw' of mine.
Am I impatient? I don't know. I just don't like wasting time.
I like to see results in whatever I do.
I need to be gratified.
Perhaps when I was younger, I needed to see immediate results.
For the past 1 year plus, I have learnt that some results only surface in the long run. But that doesn't mean I spend my time mucking around. I also like to cover all possible options before making a decision and I practise this for all things, big and small.
I may not be as perfect.
And I may not the one who is always RIGHT.
I added in alot of personal emotions.
Which I think it is not fair to bakchormeeguy.
I raised my voice at certain part when I am agitated
I said Sorry to him after that. I swear I DID.
I have spent almost 2 years trying to cultivate patience and piecing our so-called future together in a manner and location defined by him.
I have never tried so hard in my life.
In fact, I have never tried hard in my life.
Ironically, I end up with nothing.
Will I ever dare to try again? I am not sure.
I think I will because I cannot live for myself.
He think he DID. And I did NOT?
OR
I think I DID. And he did NOT?
But I will go for the WORTH for now.
This is not BLAMING
This is REFLECTING
He said everybody lived for themselves.
He said,"Don't give if you are unwilling to."
So I asked him, going by his principle, whether despite all the profession of love and care, that was all he could give, i.e. words, and nothing else? He said he was not in position to give anything because one has to be realistic in a relationship, i.e. relationships require money and proximity.
when someone said this to you?
Whatever happened to "Baby, you must wait for me, ok?"?!
HA! I am laughing.
This is NOT about going along with him to watch a Star Wars movie which I don't like. This is about going along with him to live a life away from my friends, family, job and a permanent roof over my head.
That's LIFE I guess.
Like a drama showing on Channel 8.
People like happy and funny people.
Nobody wants to hear other people's problems because they have too many of their own. But where got so many happy or funny stories to write everyday?!
The everyday life is really not that happy and funny mah. If it's that happy and funny, then people don't want to read about it already.
There is a minority which enjoys sadness, but only other people's sadness and must not be caused by them.
People are so difficult.